so ok, im happy, but also very tired, but i wanted to throw this in here before i retired for the night. i just having been having a good last couple of days. the last little while in fact. things with brad have just been great, i love that boy so much. and finals havent been so bad. i have a wrestling tourney next weekend and that will be tons of fun. i havent been working at mcdonalds as much because of wrestling, but hopefuly i will be able to save up money. if i keep busy maybe i wont spend as much. :p, gotta save up for that tattoo and for after graduation, and thats coming up quick, alot quicker than i thought. i am very excited.

brad and i went to purdue with gilles and shawna yesterday, it was fun and then when i went to work i got to work with jen, so i again had some fun....*note* i am now officailly the WORLDS GREATEST LOVER!!!..... i have the name tag to prove it and jen can vouch for me. ;)

nine inch nails is releasing tour dates, they have only released european dates, but one can hope. *sigh* i highly doubt that they will come anywhere near here.... but a girl can dream....... i would love to go see nin live.... i think i would die.... or atleast just really enjoy myself. slipknot is fricken awesome... but nine inch nails got me through some tough times..... i heart them greatly...... *shudders from the greatness of just the thought of going to a nin concert*

i think im going to bed....*yawn*

ok, so today had its up and downs......
some thuings were good...like lunchtime with adam...oh, brings back the memories.....and how the fuck we won a dual against royal...... im not sure how we lost to feehan, but won against royal.... but we did it!!!

i am on my rag, i probably shouldnt publish that, but oh well!!!
so therefore my moods have been fairly erractic, and i got really sad today.......

i shouldnt have, but im ok now..... i ate the last of the sugar cookies today.. it made me sad...... :( oh well... i can make more, but the problem is when?!?!?!!?

tomorrow is slipknot...SLIPKNOT!!!! i cant wait!!!soooo much moshing!!!!

i havent posted in here in forever!!!

ive just been so damn busy with everything....

me and brad are dating again. i have really only told the people who have asked. obviously, this isnt the first time weve dated. and people know the story from what hapened before. and really, all i hear when i say that we are dating again, is shit like "your going to get your heart broken again" or "you deserve better" well... thats not exactly what i want to hear. and hearing that shit is hard on a person. especially since its almost everybody.

but i have come to a very important conclusion about this matter.

fuck you all. i dont care what you think is best for me. i know that hes hurt me, and he could easily do it again, but i love him and am willing to take that risk, because i believe that he loves me too.

yes, he has walked all over me before, and he has done some pretty shitty things that i even think are horrible, but no one is perfect and everyone does something they regret. that shit has helped us grow as a couple, even if it has caused a lot of pain in the past.

the first time we dated, he cheated on me. we eventualy broke up as a result.

the second time, i dont think i was quite over it yet and therefore, i was bitter towards him, even though i loved him. he wasnt quite forgiven yet, and the only reason that he gave me to break up was that he was bored with me... (ouch), and started acting like a jerk to me so that he wouldnt have to break up with me and seem like the bad guy. (thats the shittiest part of all) i loved him too much even though he was a jerk, so he had to break up with me anyway.

but now im over the fact that he cheated on me, that he was a total asshole, and was trying to be an asshole. i just hope that he actually is trying this time, because i know the love is there, i think he just thinks thats enough, and doesnt try to work at it.... that i will always be there...
well, when you leave it like that, you get what happened last time, i dont want that.

he doesnt need to buy me huge expensive gfts.... doesnt mean he shouldnt...:P........ but i just want to know that he does really thinks that im the one. i just want him him to show that he wants to be with me.
that i am not replacable.

i will always be there, and i try to show him that. the thing is, i want him to show me that too. because thats what he didnt do before, and after he has left me twice already..... i just want a little reassurance.

i love him, and all i want to know is that im not going to lose him again.

i havent written in here much except for some bitching. i havent been having a very good last couple days. the weekend was awesome. when i was with brad, and it was just the two of us. i was happy. but the last couple of days havent been like that...... we still have to work some things through, and i really hope we do, because seriously he makes me happy i am just horrible when im in a bad mood, and when something goes wrong, eveything goes sour. but when its just me and him, (and i am working on this self esteem thing) he makes me feel... happy.... im the best way. i want things to work out. i am just still paranoid and weary, i was hurt before, but i have come to the conclusion i am willing to risk getting hurt,thats partof relationships you need to accpet. risk. i just dont want to get used, i want to actually be with him, not just in bed. thats the part im scared about when everyone tells you its not worth it, that you shouldnt bother, that its a waste of time..... it can be hard to keep faith, but through all the crap weve gone through, i still wanna be with him. i just hope he feels the same way..... that im not just a temporary solution.... that im not just being used for sex. otherwise, there hasnt been much else on my mind. but i have come to the conclusion, that if a person can still make a living being a philosopher, i could hack it.... i think way to much........ sometimes, i even get physically sick from it. not just thinking about brad, but stuff in general, i dont think its healthy..... but not alot of the things i do are healthy. school and wrestling and work...... its getting hectic..... i dont know if i can hack it this year, last year, work wasnt so bad.. i wasnt up for a promotion and i didnt need the money as much. but now, i am finding that i am barely sleeping, and that its just so much harder maybe because brad was in wrestling before.... i was able to spend time with him there if i needed to , and i hung out more at school because everyone was there, i didnt need as much time, but now that i need to do that outside of schoo, l im tired. i havent decided what to do yet im still just bitching in here....... i guess this is what its for i have friday to do x-mas shopping..... so i hope brad will go with me so i can get it done, i am shopping for amanda and adam, so they cant come, but i know what i am getting brad and he knows it, and hes getting those damn boots when i get back. whether he likes it or not *threatening glare*i hope i can afford stuff for everyone...... this check is going to be stretched and spent very soon, every cent pretty much to gifts...... and the next check, ticket to flinflon and boots.... and its going to be pretty much gone after that...... oh well, ... brad will be happy to have his boots, i know he wants them, and my family will be happy to see me, its worth it, even if i have to suffer....lol christmas is the season of giving..... ill give all i got!!!! my jacket in sewing is almost done, im proud of it, i hope it turns out alright.. its not lined, so it isnt going to be warm or anything, more of a dress up thing than anything. hopefully it will make brad look cool.... hes wanted a jacket like that since the damn movie came out, it is a great ass movie..... so i hope it looks good, and that hes happy with it. motley crue has a new single out..... i likes the lyrics... very sweet and nice.   If I Die Tomorrow I wake up to find myself After all these years I know all the time has gone Still seems so unclear 'Cause there's no one else Since I found you I know its been so hard You should know If I die tomorrow As the minutes fade away I cant remember Have I said all I can say You're my everything You make me feel so alive If I die tomorrow It brings out the worst in me When you’re not around I miss the sound of your voice The silence seems so loud 'Cause there's no one else Since I found you I know its been so hard You should know If I die tomorrow As the minutes fade away I cant remember Have I said all I can say You're my everything You make me feel so alive If I die tomorrow I spent all my life Looking for our innocence I got nothing to loose One thing to prove I wont make the same mistakes Now I know That everything will be ok If I die tomorrow If I die tomorrow As the minutes fade away I cant remember Have I said all I can say You're my everything You make me feel so alive You're my everything You make me feel so alive If I die tomorrow If I die tomorrow

Its been a little while since ive written in here. Ive been really busy with everything, and im not quite used to it yet, especially since wrestling just started. its going to be like this for a couple months now, but in feburary it will be all worth it. thats when we have all of our trips! yay! i cant wait for those, especialy high river. that one will be a blast.

havent done much but work and skool and wrestle and sleep. it hasnt been a very good week, except for the last couple of days which have been pretty dandy.
yesterday, brad and i went shopping and i found something for my dad for x-mas and he bought some pants, well, put them on layaway anyway. he hearts them. that was cool. i wanted to watch the crow. we looked at my place, looked at his place. and we couldnt find it anyplace. it unhappyfied me momentarily but we watched tv and we were ok. we had a nice time just lying on the couch. i enjoyed myself last night.

ryan actually phoned me this time and we are going to play pool later. hes supposed to call me again, and he better. because i dont even know where we are going, i know when, just not where. and there is a bunch of people going from work. so it should be fun. too bad i havent gone to play pool in a while. then i could show off my skill..... wait a sec... i just remembered.... i dont have any....... :(  oh well. i will survive, even if i get my ass skooled.

i have found myself reading a bit lately. i read a couple of books on my trip, and i am still reading one that i didnt get to finish. i just have been so busy lately, but i was reading it today and got 5 chapters done. only about 9 left i think, they are really short and numerous, i believe theres almost 50.

there isnt much else going on, beside the fact that my grandpa isnt doing too good, he isnt going to make it till x-mas, which is of course saddening, i was hoping to see him when i got there...... he was suffering though. i think hes glad its going to be over.
right now, 3 out of 5 grandparents have cancer right now, the fourth had cancer but shes in remission..... this doesnt give me much hope for the future, but now a days, almost everyone gets cancer, i can barely imagine when i get that old, it wont be "if" i get cancer, it will be "when i get" cancer, or "i wonder what kind of" cancer i will get.

life sucks, i know. its a little wierd though, no ones died in my family in forever. this is almost........new..... ironic.

well, i just got home from work a little while ago. and i am on my now regular energy spike that occurs at this time of night. i havent been able to get to bed early in forever. this is getting kind of annoying. but meh. this just gives me more time to raise and train my deadly army of the night.ATTACK MY PRETTIES!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHA!

so, im sitting here, not really doing anything, in my sexy pink thinger from victorias secret. i wont really have the opportunity to wear it anywhere else.... so i might as well do it now. or atleast that my theory.

it was awesome today in drama class....(those damn youngins!!!) everyone had to be me! there was a whole class full of sams! only for a short while. but im sure if the FBI or the CIA found out they would have most of me exterminated. there is enough of me as there is! oh well......

going to see team america world police on sunday with ryan. we wanted to go tomarrow, but we cannot, and i wanted to go play pool anyway. oh well, it works out better on sunday for the both of us.funny movie with a funny guy. it should be a good time.

wrestling starts on monday. first practice.... im gunna hurt so bad! and i have work right after.... its going to be rank. oh well. its worth it, i go through those whole seasons just for the trips, they are so much fun. wrestlers are funny people. although i like wrestling as a sport too, bradley is a hard ass who works us till we puke....literally. oh well, thats why we rock!

so bored..... and ive been horny all fucking day! and all ive done is work and skool. its been gay. i wish i had someone here to entertain me....*sigh* i guess you cant have everything.

i bought slipknot tickets yesterday, i happy!! and i am bringing brad, he happy!!! that make me happier!! SLIPKNOT!!! MOSH!!! OMG!

oh today was one of those days......
amanda went to the nsba banquet, so i had to walk to work. adam and i journeyed to the place of my working. i had to work 7 hours, but i worked with dan and i saw dave there.... hilarity!..... i think the fact that the knowledge of my "singleness" has gotten around, so im getting hit on again. i used to kinda get it before, but not as much because people knew i had a boyfriend. its kinda nice.....helps the self esteem though.

but on the way to the workplace, i had developed my theory.
it takes me 3 times to learn my lesson in relationships.
it took me three times with raymond.
three times with my family.
and ive dated brad three times now........
but the thing is, i wouldnt mind dating brad again. which means either i havent learned my lesson (which would just make me a very stupid person like ive been told) or it really could work out and such.... i like the boy..... and im sure it is more than just pheremones..... not just sex.... i like him...for him.
he says he likes me because im sam. and he couldnt get anymore specific than that. but i think its because i smell like awesome.... and maybe the sam thing.

im not tired. but i know i should sleep. i am not sure what i want to do. the parents are leaving tomarrow this means that amanda and i have to watch the boy. i have to work friday night all night. so amanda has to watch him. so she wont let me go out on staurday night. brad wanted to do something with me then, but he wanted to drink, so he'll probably want to do that, he'll probably do something with adam then, but if amanda has anything to do with it, she'll steal adam away..... but brad will probably still find a way to drink. i think he likes drinking more than hanging out with me.

tottally home....old skool.
i am so cool....G UNIT!!!

ok...just for saying that i should wash my mouth out with rusty razorblades... whats your opinion?

i am back in stoon.... I HAVE A TAN!!! ( i am proud) i bought a few souveniersfor people..like sherman and tankington.....

THE COOLEST ARTILIARY AND PREHISTORIC ANIMAL DUO EVER!

frankly, they put sigfried and roy to shame......

i am in this really flirty and fun mood....... just generally a really good mood i guess...... i have alot of energy and i dont really want to go to bed.

i reallly wish i had something to do......... or more like...someone!!!!
ok...... im horny...*shame*....ok, who am i kidding... im not shamed by my horniness.......never have been. meh..... i just dont got no man right now...... i have brad.... but i dont even really know whats going on with that.....
he loves me.... doesnt want to be with anyone else..... fucks me..... then i dunno...... who knows where we will go from here.... only him... and who knows when he'll tell me!

buh... but im not to worried about it....i just dont want him to hate himself.......or atleast express that hate by inflicting har upon himself.... or even his liver...... drink? sure.... but not excessively..... thats all i ask.

uhhh...i should go to bed..... i want to get up in the morn and run on the treadmill.... i need to get some cardio done before wrestling starts next week......

i wont be able to work as much because of that. but i applied for a promotion at work anyway........75 raise.... im willing to do a little extra work to get that right now....i could use some extra cash.f i get promoted, it probably wont be till the end of next month of january even... but still, it will be extra cash then.

more money to save to get my ass out of amandas house.....i dont hate it here or anything. but i dont feel like living here and mooching more than i have to.......

ack! who knows what will happen.....
ima go with the flow.......

what? thats not soon enough....
we are still here and i dont wanna be. this is one gay ass jewish mother fucking vacation.

thats all i really have to say.

except that parasailing was alright....... but thats about it. Florida can lick my nine.

So, Im in the sunshine state. right now im in a interenet cafe.
not much has happened.

ive seen the ocean, (gulf of mexico)
ive......been over a toll bridge?
been on a plane for the first time.
ive gone antiqueing...*shudder*
hung out with old people and done nothing.

we are stuck in this little tourist area designated for seniors. all the stores are for old people. the restaurants are even for old people. there are no people our age. NONE! and amandas parents wont even let us take the trolley to where there is actually something to do. maybe they will tomarrow hopefully..... all we have done this first 3 days is sit by the pool, or at amandas grandmas place or in the condo...... in short...NOTHING! ive gotten a tiny bit of a tan. but otherwise nothing has happened yet, they wouldnt even let us go play pool down the street. they better let us go shopping....*shakes fist in threatening fashion*we are going to bush gardens today which (or so i am told) is some kind of amusment park or sorts. i hope i am amused.
i think i should kill the boy.KILL KILL KILL!!!!!!!

waether has been not bad, no rain, but really windy. (good and bad, less heat, but less skin too.)

i dont know, this is ok..... but yea. i kinda expected this stuck in a hotel thing. i think i would rather be at home, doing something, rather than be here doing nothing. uhhhh...... i just hope today is fun! i hope we eventually get to go out!

i feel guilty. i feel guilty a lot of the time. i apologize a lot too. i tend to blame a lot on myself. and since im not really worth anything, i feel guilty because i dont deserve much.

why am i so depressed?

things with brad seem to be going better. seem too.... there are a couple things that make it seem otherwise, but yea......
and im going on a trip to florida tomarrow.....

i should be happy......why arent i?

Today Regina.....
Tomarrow Florida.....

We are flying out tomarrow from regina, we are going tonight to stay at amandas uncles because our flight is early.
im kinda nervous. but i know its no big deal. i just have never travelled like this before. and ive never been on a plane before. im not scared for my life or anything. its just going to be different.
its this wierd mixture of excitement and nervousness......

i dunno...... i should have fun... it will be nice

wow...... and my diary name hold true.......
this really is the complications of the flesh.
damn relationships.......the make you feel the highest highs.... but also the lowest lows........
and there is never a happy medium...... and that is almost a good thing. it keeps things interesting in a sense.
i dont know realy whats going on, and whats going to happen.... and really....

im excited to find out.

i never wanted a break...... but there is something such as too much of a good thing.  this might bring back something i think we may have lost. this may bring back a little thing i like to call...... passion.